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I told her no and you would swear her brain exploded: a story on consent and privilege

Writer's picture: Queen Ana BlueQueen Ana Blue

Hello, friends!

I identify as a Black, Female,Pansexual, Ethically Non-Monogamous, Kinky, Sadomasochistic, ProDominatrix, Top Leaning Lifestyle Switch. These writings are about

situations, scenarios, and statements I have heard or witnessed and where I give my opinion on the matter. Again, this is MY OPINION. People are welcome to disagree, but if you are going to leave comments, let’s be constructive, respectful, and kind. We are all learning every day and there is room for improvement on all sides. So let’s get to it!


Story Time:

I went to an event with some of my peeps. I was massaging a friend. A lady who I had just met that day came up behind me and asked if she could spank me while I massaged my friend.


Lady: May I spank you?

Me: No, thank you. Not right now.

Lady: I...I don't know...I don't know how to handle this.

Me: Don't know how to take what? Being told no? I can say no.

Lady: It is not like you are in her ass. Me spanking you right now won't hurt you.

Me: I do not want you to touch me right now.

Lady: Turns to my friend I am massaging May I spank her while she is on you?

My friend: She owns her body and she told you no.

Lady: storms off



Let's analyze this:



1) See? Even people who are not male identifying have moments where they do not respect consent.


I believe that most people I know can tell some sort of story where a male identifying person has crossed the lines of consent. Sometimes people forget that crossing boundaries is not just a "male thing to do." It is a "person who pushes boundaries for their own agenda" thing to do. I have been on dating apps where femme identifying people have non-consensually sent me naked photos of themselves without asking if that was okay or have tried to cross boundaries in scenes. I have to admit it took me aback to see this lady be shocked that someone told her no. It quickly reminded me how sometimes when I tell masc people no and they get angry. Instead of being angry, her response was disgust and confusion. I don't care what you look like: people can tell you no. People don't owe you access to their body.




2) Does "Pretty Woman Privilege" play a part in this scenario?


The part of the story/experience that made my eyes widen was when she said "I don't know how to handle this!" She was so shocked that I told her no. Was she surprised because we were at a lifestyle party and she thought "well, we are at a party and walking through the door is consent for everyone to touch each other?" Ummm, no! Or was she so used to getting her way that she forgot what rejection felt like?


This situation reminded me of how sometimes women can benefit from the "Pretty Woman Privilege." Free drinks, free food, cuts in line, promotions, situational forgiveness, quicker assistance, etc. can occur because the person doing those actions believe by giving these "gifts" they hope the women will give them something that benefits or satisfies them. Some women understand the power behind their Pretty Woman Privilege and respect that they might be treated differently due to some attribute of theirs someone finds attractive or useful in some way. Some respect the Pretty Privilege Power and do not use the power for evil or let it go to their head. Others get use to being irrationally spoiled to the point that when someone tells them no they "don't know how to handle this!" I believe everyone has some form of privilege...are you using your Privilege Powers for good or evil? Are you still respecting the boundaries of others? Are there things you can do to keep your privilege in check as to not be purposefully disrespectful to others?




3)How do you handle a situation like this when you know you will see that person again at events?


The lifestyle community is big and small at the same time. The degrees of separation are not that big. How do you handle going to events where the person you had a scuffle with might also attend?


Well, there are a few things I can think of:

- Ignore each other and act like the other person does not exist.

- After the scuffle, talk to each other and discuss how to handle seeing each other in person:

1. Is it okay to say hi to each other?

2. Is it okay to hug each other?

3. Is it okay to talk to each other?

4. Do we ignore each other?

5. Do we go to different events so we are not at the same event at the same time?


So what did I do in my situation?

I messaged the individual via social media and basically did a "hey what's up? That was kind of off and weird. Can we chat about this?" She explained how alcohol may have played a part in her behavior but that we were okay. I am not anti-alcohol...but I can see how some venues and events do not want people to have access to alcohol when attending their functions because sometimes people do not act very respectful and get that "liquid courage" to be be aggressive in the pursuit of their goals and self-pleasures. At least this lady admitted to her fault. But there are definitely a lot of situations where the aggressor does not apologize and way worse things may happen.



4)Practice saying no


When people who are new to the community ask me what are some things they should know, I include that they need to practice saying no, ESPECIALLY if you want to explore your bottomy side. Just because you identify as being on the right side of the slash, that does not negate the fact that you have boundaries, opinions, and can stop a scene at any time. You may have heard the phrase "the difference between kink and abuse is consent." We can talk about that phrase for a few hours but the part I want to dwell on here is that, just because you identify as an S-Type, that does not mean your consent is taken away. Even if you practice CNC, you STILL have a voice and can stop it. If your person does not respect your stop, then you are entering the land of abuse.



5)Practice accepting no


Another thing I tell people new to the community: practice ACCEPTING no.


Sometimes someone telling you no is not about YOU.


That person may not be in the headspace anymore to grant whatever request was on the table.


Maybe this person said yes to you earlier and NOW they realize that they may not have the skills to fulfill the obligation without hurting you, hurting themselves, or without turning the situation into some sort of a tragedy.


Being able to take a no AND not automatically think that it is about you takes a lot of practice and restraint. Sometimes when people tell us no, we wonder if we have let that person down in some way. "Oh no! They are saying no! I must have disappointed them or made them think that I am not interested or said or done something to hurt them."


When someone tells you no, try not to automatic go "oh no! What did I do?" and think "I am glad this person spoke up. Maybe that was hard for them."


NOW...sometimes the no IS about you. Maybe the person did not feel comfortable with you anymore. Maybe you do not have the skills they were looking for. When someone tells you no because they no longer find you to be a match for them, yes this might hurt our feelings. The best thing we can do for ourselves is to not ignore those hurt feelings and realize that "yes, this hurts right now but I will survive and these feelings of hurt will get smaller and smaller over time." The best thing we can do for the person who told us no is to respect them boundaries and not try to persuade them to change their mind or retaliate in some way against them for not seeing what a wonderful awesome being we are!


In summary:

Disrespect does not have a gender, nationality, sexuality, a specific look, etc.  Just because people are at a Lifestyle event, that does not give others automatic permission to touch bodies and belongings.


Some of the most powerful skills we can learn (not just for the dungeon but for life) is to learn how to say no and how to accept someone telling us no. Learning to say no takes practice. We are always learning 1)how to identify and admit the things we enjoy and don't enjoy to ourselves; 2)how to express those things to others; 3)learning to say no to people when we can not physically, mentally, emotionally, or financially fulfill their ask; and 4)learning how to accept no when someone tells us no.


Be careful if you drink alcohol at events. If you are drinking at events, think about this:

1) Are you going to be rudely aggressive since you are drinking?

2) Are you going to still be in a good headspace to play if you are drinking?

3) Are you going to still be in a good headspace to say no if you are drinking?

4) Are you going to still be in a good headspace to accept a no if you are drinking?

5) Do you play with people only if you are drinking?


I was fortunate that I was able to talk to the person and chat about the situation. It would have been very easy to just ignore her at events and write her off. Sometimes you don't get the chance to always reconcile.


We are so fortunate to be able to go to events, that we have people willing to spend their time, energy, money, and other resources so that we have places to fulfill our sexy desires. If you cannot handle someone telling you no, then going to events need to be put paused until you have learned those skills.

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