*Hello, friends!
I identify as a Black, Female,Pansexual, Ethically Non-Monogamous, Kinky, Sadomasochistic, ProDominatrix, Top Leaning Lifestyle Switch. These writings are about
situations, scenarios, and statements I have heard or witnessed and where I give my opinion on the matter. Again, this is MY OPINION. People are welcome to disagree, but if you are going to leave comments, let’s be constructive, respectful, and kind. We are all learning every day and there is room for improvement on all sides. So let’s get to it!*
Usually when I meet people that identify as being kinksters, there is a good chance a handful of them will try to “out kink me” or exaggerate their skills. “Oh, yeah! Well, I am a good dominant because I have owned 30 people!” “Oh, yeah! My flogger cost $400!” “I am a good dominant because I have 5 suitcases of toys!” “Oh, yeah! I am a great dominant because I can have sex for hours! MY TONGUE WORKS!”
But I finally got a new one, a new exaggeration, that I had never heard before:
“Beginner:”
Hi, I know nothing about BDSM or your community. Can you teach me some things?
Insert SpongeBob French narrator voice:
A few days later!
“Beginner:”
Actually, I have owned submissives and here are my results from the BDSM Test! I enjoy not letting people know all of my skills and being underestimated! Then I break out the skills and surprise them! I love the control and joy I get from telling people what to do after they thought I didn’t know anything! I have been in the lifestyle for almost two decades so I know some things!“
Sooo…I didn’t find that to be cute, endearing, exciting, attractive. I found that to be creepy, dishonest, shady.
Let’s break it down:
“I am beginner.”
If someone tells me they are a beginner but want to learn about the lifestyle, I know to watch what words I use because there is a language learning curve when it comes to talking about the community. I mention how some people top and bottom and the person admitted that they didn’t understand those terms because they are a beginner beginner. Okay, nothing wrong with that. We will go slow and go over terms and whatnot. I love teaching beginners because I enjoy helping people break through the negative rumors surrounding the community, help them learn terms, and love talking about toys. The community does not grow in numbers nor in creativity without people coming in and learning about what we do. It is sad to see Beginner Shaming sometimes because we all had to start somewhere. We all had to be taught and learn about things. We all had to build up our arsenal of toys piece by piece. We all had to build up our kinky wardrobe piece by piece. It takes courage to walk through the doors of a space when you are worried if they will truly accept you, all of you, your desires, your sexuality, your orientation, your looks. Bravo to the beginners and curious who have taken and will take the leap to go to their first event!
“I took the BDSM Test.”
There is some controversy around the BDSM Test because of who made it. Even if there was a BDSM test written by a less problematic person, a person should not base their entire personality around the results of this test. “Well, this test said I should be a brat and be monogamous so I better stop being open and learn to brat out.” Is that something you really want to do? Some of the positives behind the test is that it has helped people explore some of the categories and term mentioned on the test. But Ana opinion, a person should not base their beautiful, complex personality on one test.
“I have owned people.”
When someone tells me that they have owned people, you are revealing to me that you have some understanding of dynamics. Also, would one say…if you know about dynamics…does that mean you are a kinkster or practice BDSM? Do D/s dynamics fall under the umbrella of BDSM? Just something to think about...
“I enjoy being underestimated.”
Okay, this part is interesting. You enjoy being underestimated.
So there are a few parts to this.
Part 1 of Underestimating
Now, there are some people who have certain skills and do not tell people they have skills. They do not want to come off boastful by talking about their skills too much. Sometimes the situation may not have presented itself to where they could mention what they could do. THEN something happens and WHAM! Oh snap! You can show you know the things!
Kink Example of Part 1 of Underestimating
This could be the kinkster couple who goes to a new dungeon for the first time, where no one knows them and people think they are new. Then they go to a play station and do one of the most beautiful, connective scenes you have seen in awhile! They did not walk in, shouting how they are Kink Veterans and how many suitcases of toys they have. They walked in, accepted the tour of the place, answered politely when people asked if they were new to the lifestyle, and did their scene and people got the message that they know some thangs.
Part 2 of Underestimating
There is the situation where you consciously and willingly tell people you do not know something or not know much about a topic. Then an opportunity pops up and you show off your skills. This usually happens when someone is trying to persuade and trick someone into liking them, to win them over.
Kink Example of Part 2 of Underestimating
This is what happened with my situation. The person tried to use the “I am a beginner. Please teach me” card and it makes a person feel lied to. It is a waste of time to tell me you are a beginner, I break down terms, and then you go “I have been here for two decades.” Telling someone that you are a beginner because you think it is attractive to break out the skills when they think you do not have any is not sexy. What else are you hiding? I do not feel safe around you anymore because what else are you just gonna break out of nowhere? Surprise! “I like sushi, long walks by the river, and hiding my skills so you can get in my bed.”
Part 3 of Underestimating
There is another situation where you tell people you have a skill, you do the skill, you do an average job with it, and then next time you blow it out the water!
Kink Example of Part 3 of Underestimating
This is like when you have a scene with someone new and you do not break out ALL of your skills in the one scene. Then, they come back for another scene and you have knocked up the scene another enjoyable notch! This is a good example of the phrase “Leave them wanting more.” This phrase is not about “leave them wanting more especially when I have lied about having the skill to begin with.”
“I enjoy breaking out my skills and surprising people.”
Sometimes people enjoy showing off. I get it. That performance bug. It can be fun to show off toys and moves and outfits. But when you are trying to woo people over through lies and non-consensual mindfuckery, that is not sexy, not honesty, not cool, not the business.
In summary
Beginners already have a hard time getting into the community due to being nervous, anxious, shamed, etc. To have someone claim they are a beginner only to use that beginner community to basically prey on others is disgusting. Beginners help grow the community, bring in fresh ideas, and help cultivate more creativity in our spaces. To those who feel the need to lie, cheat, and trick people in order to play with them, you are not an ethical person nor an ethical player. May you find that being yourself is a better route to take. May you one day understand that twisting words is unnecessary and gross. For those that have been hurt by people who trick and lie, I hope the pain gets smaller with each passing day and that you realize that you deserve to be here and that there are wonderful, honest people in the community that would love to meet you, be friends with you, and play with you. People that are organizers are not the only leaders in the community. Each of us are examples to others of what a kinkster with a good character looks like. Someone is always watching. Do not be a good person because people are watching; have a good character because your character is your best business card.
Well thought out! Would never want to be manipulated into someone’s bed. There’s ways to scratch the underdog itch without falsely representing yourself.