Hello, friends!
I identify as a Black, Pansexual, Ethically Non-Monogamous, Kinky, Leather, Sadomasochistic, ProDominatrix, Top Leaning Lifestyle Switch. I have been ENM (Ethically Non-Monogamous) since 2016 and the negative and ignorant things I have heard from others in and outside the lifestyle concerning ENM are very concerning. I recently had an incident happen to me at an event I attended this week and decided it was time for an educational moment.
I will bring up some scenarios/statements I have heard and give my opinion on the matter. Again, this is MY OPINION. People are welcome to disagree, but if you are going to leave comments, let’s be constructive, respectful, and kind. We are all learning every day and there is room for improvement on all sides. So let’s get to it!
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Statement 1:
Hey Stranger, you polyam or mono?
This in itself is not a bad question. It is usually the TONE people use when they ask this: “Are you monogamous OR are you ONE OF THOSE POLYAM PEOPLE?” It is also very interesting when this question is asked with the tone when the individuals are at a swinger event or kink event. It comes off as “Oh yes, I am a swinger or a kinkster but I WOULD NEVER be poly, eww, for shame!”
Ana's Advice:
When asking someone whether they are Polyam or mono, please watch your tone and let’s not be a Judgey Jerk. People enter the different types of Lifestyle to be more authentic, to make connections with people who have similar interests, and to have fun. Don’t be a Lifestyle Scrooge.
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Statement 2:
Do you know your person has other partners?
What is your intention behind this question?
Here is the part where I describe to you the incident that led me to write this piece.
I went to a party with one of my partners this week. ALL my friends know I am polyam. I talk about ENM with my students and clients. It is on all of my profiles.
I scheduled to do a scene with a new person at the party. While I am doing the scene, someone goes up to my partner and asks them “Do you know about her partner so-and-so?” My partner replies “Of course, I know about so-and-so.”
A few things, friends. Let’s break this down:
-Why are you asking my partner whether they know about my other partner?
-Are you asking to start drama?
-Are you trying to protect this person you have never met from being hurt in case they did not know I had other partners?
-Isn’t it sad that when someone says they are ENM and people have been so hurt by people who say they are ENM but then discover that they are really cheaters disguising their behavior behind an ENM umbrella?
-Why not just ask ME if my partner knows about my other partner?
Ana's Advice:
Wherever there are people, there is drama. There are people everywhere that do not have our best interest at heart. If you are trying to start drama between partners, this just makes you look untrustworthy and puts you on the Drama Llama List.
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Statement 3:
Are all polyam people sexual deviants?
OOOO I got a secret for you!!! When someone says they are poly…that does not necessarily mean that they are Polysexual! WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY?! Read that again!
Some people are
-Polyplay: have scenes with multiple people but does not necessarily mean they have sex with those people
-Polyasexual: multiple people in their bubble they might identify as partners but does not necessarily mean their connection is based on sex.
-Polyromantic: have intimate, romantic relationships with multiple people but does not necessarily mean they have sex with any or all of those people:
-House or equivalent name: you can be in a house+ with people and not have sex with everyone (or anyone for that matter) in the house
Some people, due to religious beliefs, cult stories, and super conservativeness, developed this idea that anyone who calls themselves poly/open/ENM must have every STI under the sun and moon and will sleep with anything that breathes.
Some people in the Lifestyle know that to make it work, we need to be honest about what we want, what we don’t want, when we want it, and when we don’t want it. Sometimes I feel people in the Lifestyle understand the power of communication more than some non-Lifestyle folks.
Ana's Advice:
Before you judge someone for being polyam/open/ENM, have you actually talked to people in the Lifestyle? Are you basing your biases on what you have heard from the outside, from media, etc.?
The world calls us deviants because they don’t understand us.
We call ourselves deviants because we have finally begun to understand the us within.
The world’s definition and our definition and expression of deviant are not the same.
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Statement 4:
Wives only become ENM for their husbands
I have heard lines similar to this so many times. First of all, we could talk all day about the binary way of thinking about gender, but that is not what this piece is about today. But for so many people to think that those that identify as women are only into ENM because someone made them or coerced them is quite…unfair, not true, and calls for another “WHAT DID THEY JUST SAY?!”
Now yes there are a few incidences where one side will be more into ENM than the other or situations where someone wants to be monogamous and the other wants to be polyam. This is why we try to stress when people enter the Lifestyle to be as honest as possible and to be upfront about expectations and boundaries. Sometimes we don’t know what we don’t know, but once the lightbulb has come on, use that knowledge and get out of the dark.
Ana’s Advice:
Do not assume that all women are in the Lifestyle because their partner made them. Being monogamous and ENM is not a “they made me do it” kind of thing. It should be consensual and not abusive.
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Statement 5:
Poly-saturated isn’t a thing.
Poly-saturated is a term used by some people to state how they do not have any more spoons, energy, room on their Google Calendars for more partners in their lives.
I applaud when people tell me that they do not have the spoons for ENM because they understand how dealing with multiple schedules, multiple states of emotions all at one time, and the intricacies of communication takes work and practice. By saying you don’t have the spoons for ENM, you are not being judgmental and dismissive right off the bat.
BUT telling someone that Poly-saturation is not a thing IS being dismissive. For those people who say it is not a thing, they are thinking about “Why would someone not want as many partners as possible?! That sounds awesome! Keep em coming” Partners are not Pokemon; this is not a game of catch em all!
Ana’s advice:
Before you say statements that are dismissive of someone’s relationship style, ask yourself “Do my statements help them or me at all?” If treating people like Pokemon and Unlimited Breadsticks and Salad is your thing, is being ENM really the right fit for you? A lot of people are ENM because they have so much love to give and understand that people give and receive love in different ways, which is part of the beauty of ENM.
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Statement 6:
People who say they are poly are really cheaters.
WHAT DID THEY JUST SAY?!
Okay, let me calm down.
NOW…yes, there are some gross people in the community that tell people they are ENM when really they hide partners from each other. If you are ENM, you do not hide that from your partners.
Ana’s Advice:
People who claim to be ENM but are really cheaters are the bad apples that people not in the Lifestyle focus on; they see THOSE people and think everyone that claims to be ENM are all cheaters. It can be a difficult task (but a task nonetheless that needs to happen) to try to untrain people not in the Lifestyle that, just like not all monogamous people cheat, not all ENM people cheat. A lot of people outside the Lifestyle like to pick on our way of living when they hear something negative (cue Nelson’s voice from The Simpson). Speak up and let people know that 1)not all people who are ENM are cheaters and 2)no relationship style is 100% perfect.
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Statement 7:
It is okay if my partner is mad that I sleep with other people.
…
WHAT THE FUCK DID THEY JUST SAY?!
Friends, readers, associates….I hear this phrase WAY TOO MUCH!
I just picture Ren and Stimpy and hear Ren shouting “YOU IDIOT!”
So I think it is appropriate to bring up the J-word:
Jealousy.
Repeat after me: jealousy is not a bad word.
A concise way to think of jealousy:
Someone might be feeling jealous because some needs and wants are not being met because those needs and wants are being neglected, were not clearly expressed, or were not clearly comprehended.
Think about all the times you felt jealous. Was something lacking? Did you feel off? Maybe you didn’t know it was even jealousy; you just knew that something was off.
You know how we keep bringing up communication and being honest? When you feel jealousy happening, talk it out when your partner.
“Hey, I know we talked about you going on a date tonight and I was cool with it but when you were gone, I really wished I was doing the same things yall were doing and I started to feel jealous.” Then as you are talking things out, maybe a solution could be plan a date with one person and then make sure you have a date on the Google Calendar for the other partner so they have something fun to look forward to.
BUT
BUT
If your partner has clearly expressed “Hey, I actually don’t like when you sleep with other people and I don’t want to be poly anymore,” then this is the time, the signal, the wakeup call to really look at your relationship and think about if your relationship styles, wants, needs, and boundaries are really compatible.
Using the phrase “I am the Dominant and I will sleep with whoever or how many people I want to” is, as the kids say, NOT THE BUSINESS! Or other similar lines I have heard “If you love me, you will let me sleep and see who I want.” Wow! Honeychild, get out!
Ana’s Advice:
If you are with someone who blatantly disregards your feelings when you opened up and honestly communicated, then you might need to consider 1)couple’s therapy or 2)an exit strategy.
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Statement 8:
Since you are poly, that means your partner will fuck me.
Oh, boo-boo, sit down.
1)Just because we are ENM, what made you think we were polysexual?
2)Why would my partner want to do anything with your body and why would they allow you to do anything with theirs?
3)Did you even ask us our rules/stance/boundaries about sleeping with other people?
Some people hear POLY and it is like a bell goes off that dings PENETRATE! DING! PENETRATE! DING!
Ana’s Advice:
If you are just looking for hook-ups and sexy good times, dating apps are still a thing and look up sex parties and swing clubs. I highly recommend the two organizations of sexy Lifestyle clubs Colette and Trapeze.
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Statement 9:
Polyam and swingers are the same thing.
To the instructors teaching that all Polyam people and swingers are the same and vice versa…
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Neither group is better than the other, but they are different.
Picture an umbrella.
The umbrella is labeled ENM.
Under the umbrella are little happy sunflowers!
One sunflower is labeled Swingers.
Another sunflower is labeled Poly-situational.
Notice the sunflowers for Swingers and Poly-situational ARE DIFFERENT SUNFLOWERS!
Ana’s Advice:
Not all swingers are looking for relationships with multiple people and not all people who are Poly-situational are looking for sexual, physical satisfaction.
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Statement 10:
Everyone in a polycule must sleep with each other.
I like to break communication down into three parts:
1)Honestly Speaking
2)Consciously Listening
3)Thoroughly comprehending
When it comes to being in some sort of Poly-situation, it is important that you clarify what you want, do not want, and who you do or do not want to do.
Ana’s Advice:
Everyone's holes are NOT everyone's holes!
Not every polycule requires all members to sleep with each other. If that is something you require or would like to happen, let your partners and potential partners know these plans of yours.
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Statement 11:
If you are polyam, you aren’t clean.
No matter what site you are on: Facebook, Fetlife, Tinder, Feeld, etc there will ALWAYS be profiles that say something like
“Hi! I am CLEAN and have no STDs and you should also be CLEAN and not have any STDs.”
*sigh*
First of all, let’s be better with our language and stop using the phrase “clean.” STD/STIs happen. Who are we to judge how someone contracted something? Sometimes it is not even that person’s choice on how they got something.
A lot of people in the Lifestyle get tested often because they value their health and the health of their partners and the people they play with.
Ana’s Advice:
Having an STI/STD does not mean you cannot play with a person; you might have to modify how you play now versus how you thought you were originally going to play.
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Not all kinky folks are polyam and not everyone who are polyam are kinky.
Ana’s Advice:
The best way to find out what someone is into:
TALK TO THEM.
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Statement 13:
If someone is an event organizer, party host, educator, or toy vendor, then they must be Ethically Polyam.
I don't care if you squirt gold: a cheater is a cheater no matter how many events they organize, classes they teach, or toys they make.
It is okay to have mentors, role models, etc. But no one is perfect and people make mistakes. And some people will constantly try to deceive, manipulate, and gas light us.
Ana's Advice:
Be careful putting people on pedestals. Because if you ever find out their sins and they get mad at you for finding out about their Wizard Mask...who is the real demon here?
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I will probably add more statements to this as I hear more “interesting” things.
Enjoy!
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